This just in:
Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan got off to a great start three weeks ago when he lied about his marathon finishing time, but Ryan, in the succeeding weeks has not been cold-hearted enough to justify his continued position on the ballot with Mitt Romney, officials close to the campaign said today.
Romney’s new list of candidates and their qualifications:
The Queen of Mean’s intentions to leave $4 million to her dog is a perfect offset to that nasty story about the Romneys strapping their pet to the top of the station wagon during family vacation … but the new campaign slogan she brings is perfect: “ONLY THE LITTLE PEOPLE PAY TAXES!”
EBENEEZER SCROOGE: (On his provision for the poor:) “Are there no prisons, no workhouses?”
PONTIUS PILATE: His willingness to sacrifice the savior of the world brings him in as a top contender.
THE GRINCH: With a heart 2 sizes too small, anyone who is willing to steal from the children of WhoVille makes the cut.
JOHN EDWARDS: Willing to become a Republican for the promise of getting back into politics, Edwards is ready for service.
THE SOUP NAZI: Brings the perfect disposition for the campaign’s theme moving forward.
BERNIE MADOFF: Protecting the wealth of the rich at any cost and crushing the dreams of middle America Madoff sees a new future as Romney’s sidekick.
BENEDICT ARNOLD: Romney loves that he will say anything to anybody. Tell me who the crowd is and I’ll say what they want to hear, Arnold says. Great fundraising possibilities here.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Proved her worth just yesterday running down a pedestrian and fleeing the scene.
EVERYONE WHO LIVES IN THIS TOWN